Wherever Blonde and Brunette travel there is some surprise encounter observing another species mating. We seem to find all of the animals who work for the Secret Service or Congress or are pastors of huge evangelical TV ministries.
While in South Africa we did a three-day animal safari while staying at Kirkman’s Kamp which is in a private game preserve that has an unfenced border with Kruger National Park. The goal on an animal safari is generally to see “The Big Five”. The members of this limited-membership club are lions, buffalo, elephants, leopards and rhinos. We are over-achievers and not only saw all of the big five but saw two of them having The Big O (well, at least we’re fairly certain the guy did, life imitating life).
Our incredibly talented guide and tracker found each species by looking for its unique poop. While Blonde and Brunette scanned the scenery the tracker would excitedly spot the species-indicative poop (hyena poop looks exactly like styrofoam so be careful unpacking boxes) and we would roar off-road in search of the pooper.
As you might expect, there was jubilation the day of the lion-poop spotting. Our guide took the 4×4 safari vehicle practically airborne and then just as suddenly cut the engine and stopped it dead. Straight ahead of us were two lions. Let’s just say (you can look at the photos and draw your own conclusions) but it did not appear to us as if these lions were missionaries. Nor was there any soft music playing, no spilled wine glasses, hastily discarded Spanx, a Trojan wrapper or a wedding ring thrown on the ground. This was a simple drive-by afternoon delight in the animal kingdom.
Judging by how quickly it was over the male lion must have been wanting to not miss the beginning of some televised sports event or thought he heard the lady lion’s husband coming home early from the day’s killing spree.
As keen scholars of animal rutting Blonde and Brunette queried the guide for particulars relative to lion mating. Turns out it sounded depressingly familiar. The male jumps on the female and she succumbs because that’s a lot easier than having a fight with him and takes much less time. (Plus afterwards maybe she’ll get some jewelry.) When the male is done he rolls off and both lions fall asleep. Then, per our guide, the female lion often pretends to be asleep after the male awakens.
So the guy grumbles around a bit and then leaves.
The female lion gazes about discreetly to be sure her speed-lover is gone. Then she takes a shower, eats a pint of Haagen Dazs and calls her girlfriends to complain about the guy.
Ladies, does any of this ring a bell?
Male: ” I think I’ll schtupp her, have a snooze, and then sneak out because she isn’t as cute from the front as the back.”
Female : “I’m up for a quickie but I don’t want to smell his morning breath or make him breakfast so I’ll pretend I’m asleep and don’t hear him leave.”
Maybe it’s time to appreciate the beast in your bed!
Or, alternatively, maybe it’s time to pretend to be asleep. Your call.