There are a lot of annoying people who write chirpy articles about staying fit on the road and how you don’t need to gain weight or lose fitness when you travel. Here’s the truth – no one who has any fun when they travel does that shit. We eat a ton, exaggerate how much we’ve walked and say we’ll take the weight off when we get home. For the most part that isn’t true either.
After working out three times a week at a “fitness studio” and walking a minimum of 10,000 steps a day for a couple years Blonde was in excellent shape (for a relic) when we set out on our recent trip to Spain. But then there was a lot of wine, gelato, pasta, wine, ham, wine, beer and cheese. That trip was shortly followed by a trip to San Francisco which included a giant cheeseburger, wine, gelato (a theme is emerging), Burmese food, pasta, chocolate croissants, beer, wine, ravioli, wine, bread and cheese.
Not surprisingly, there is now a lot more of Blonde and it’s a lot looser. The effect is one of self-loathing as rolls of flesh hang over waistbands, leak out under bras and stretch the thighs of protesting jeans (probably protesting genes too).
So, today Blonde decided that if she isn’t going to be a totally disgusting blob by our trip to Puerto Rico in a month then the time has come to get back to her workout routine. The walking part is easy but the studio workout – not so much. What follows is an (F-bomb filled) thought transcription from Blonde’s mind during her first post-vacation workout:
“How come no one I know is in class today? That’s just as well – I don’t want I anyone I know to see me wearing this top that’s supposed to hide my flabby belly.
I guess I’ll take the mats that woman left, she isn’t one of those young girls who look like they might leave herpes cells on their mats. Doesn’t matter – I put a towel under my head. Can you get herpes on your head?
Oh shit, I’m off in my timing. I need to pay attention. Twitter has ruined my attention span. Maybe I won’t tweet today. I think I’m tweeting too much.
How the fuck am I supposed to move my right rib to my left knee? I wasn’t designed for that to even be possible. Actually a lot of other people are fucking it up too. Good. I’m gonna feel this tomorrow.
I can’t believe I used to look forward to doing this shit! I don’t think I’m willing to do it all over again – it doesn’t last and it’s a big time and money suck.
Not that I do anything else with my time.
Holy shit – that tall Chinese girl got boobs while I was away! That’s amazing ! She’s so skinny there isn’t anywhere you could even pinch her so how did they find skin to stretch over her new boobs? Probably from little kids in China that get skinned to help flat chested women get breasts. That’s the kind of thing Mitt Romney would totally do.
How come no one else ever laughs when the instructor says “grab your balls”?
She must have changed how you do this exercise or something – I used to be really good at it. Pay attention!
This whole generation’s going to be deaf they play the music so loud. I wonder if they do that so you can’t hear people fart in class? I wonder if everyone farts when they work out?
If I do this stretch it’s going to kill me. I’ll have a drink of water instead. I paid to be here and if I don’t want to do the stretch I don’t have to do the stretch.
I’m at least 30 years older than anyone else in this class. I’d like to see what they look like at my age. They’re all skinny and flexible now but I bet at least a few of them will end up porkers.
What’s the name of this song? I know I bought it but I don’t know who sings it or what it is. How am I going to find it in my library?
Oh shit, I have to get a mammogram this afternoon. I wish someone would come up with a way you could take a picture of your boobs with your iPhone and just send it in. I bet in the future it will seem crazy that we actually had to take our boobs in in person.
Oh no, Mass General requires a photo ID now so I have to remember to grab my driver’s license before I walk over. Why do they do that? Do people send other women to get their breasts done for them? It isn’t like cheating on LSAT’s or something? I can see it for big stuff – like that guy they just did the hand transplant thing on. You don’t want to do that on the wrong person but it was probably pretty obvious he was the guy who needed a new hand.
She can tell I’m not paying attention. I need to pay attention or at least look like I’m paying attention.
Since when do we do this with our foot on the floor? Didn’t we used to hold our leg at hip height? Why are they always changing this shit?
Maybe I was thinking of another exercise. This fucker hurts. I wish I could see my watch when I’m in this position. We have to be at least halfway through. I think so anyway.
How come all of these young girls can afford to wear $200 worth of Lululemon clothes to their workouts? I couldn’t afford stuff like that when I was their age. They probably have rich parents or credit card debt.
I want to go by Lululemon on the way home to see what new tops they got in. I can’t do that. I have a ton of that stuff and don’t need anymore and besides I have to eat lunch, take a shower and go get my mammogram. I’ll go tomorrow.
Crap – I had a cup of coffee this morning and I don’t think you’re supposed to have caffeine before a mammogram. I don’t think it’ll matter but I do have to remember not to wear deodorant.
Oh good – there’s that poufter that teaches the dance class after this. That must mean we’re getting close to the end of class. This has been humiliating. I wish I could be happy with being fat and flabby. No I don’t. I don’t want to be that kind of person but this shit is boring and takes a lot of time. It isn’t cheap either.
Her boobs look great. She must think I’m weird to keep looking at them.
When you get new boobs do you have to buy all new tops? That would cost a fortune.
How do you get a mammogram when you have fake boobs? Who cares?
Where are my stretching bands? Crap – I got the one for arms, not the one for legs, lot of good that’s going to do me.
Holy shit – I have awful dark circles under my eyes! I wonder if it’s from the wine I drank last night? I need to remember to put concealer on if I’m leaving the house. I look like a fucking vampire’s grandmother.
Good for me – I did this! I need to get a bunch of classes scheduled to get back in shape before we go away. I was looking good a couple months ago. It’s so much damned work.
I’m probably going to forget that photo ID for my mammogram.
I hate this shit where we hold our hands like we’re praying or something – it’s so dumb.
Yay – we’re done! Now I need a $150 massage to feel better. That isn’t happening.
Oh, I forgot, I get a free massage when we’re in Puerto Rico.
I’m outta here. I’ll sign up for another class later.”