[slideshow]As we prepared for a trip to South Africa B&B eagerly anticipated a safari adventure at Kirkman’s Kamp . The safari was going to be the last thing on the itinerary we had put together. Brunette, the designated researcher, read that for the flight on a small plane to the Nelspruit airport, the nearest one to Kirkman’s Kamp, there were very strictly enforced luggage weight requirements. Low weights. As in lighter than two bowling balls or one of Heidi Montag’s post-surgical breasts.
Brunette always meticulously complies with luggage weight requirements. Blonde complies in a blonde way. This translates to both sisters leaving with luggage that (barely) meets the requirements. On arrival at our first destination Blonde starts shopping as if she is going to open a boutique the size of, say Harrod’s, when she returns home. (Blonde once spent all of the money she brought to Mexico between the check-in desk at the hotel and getting to the room. It was a table full of nice jewelry near the pool and it would have been rude to ignore it.)
The outcome of Blonde’s shopping is analogous to getting up the morning of your Weight Watchers meeting, weighing yourself and seeing that you lost 4 ounces. Then, to celebrate the loss, immediately prior to the meeting weigh-in eating 14 pounds of risotto and being shocked when the scale shows you gained weight. Blonde’s luggage eats a lot of risotto and Brunette won’t even be able to relate to the analogy.
Despite her vows to be shopping-celibate in South Africa Blonde immediately began purchasing large bowls, monkey balls (not literally from monkeys but it was fun to try to give you that impression), clothing and possibly even a well-taxidermied fully grown male rhinoceros. She also made small purchases; a pair of lovely black elephant-hair earrings and a diamond necklace (Yes,she made sure it was certified cruelty free. She learned her history from Leonardo Di Caprio!).
B&B were driving ourselves from Cape Town down along the Garden Route to Knysna. We had a Honda CRV and that sucker was happy to swallow all of the evidence of Blonde’s consumerism run rampant. It swallowed more than Linda Lovelace in her heyday.
By the time we arrived at the wonderful St. James Country House Hotel (after missing it on the first of several attempts) and opened the back of the CRV, even Blonde knew that her possessions now probably weighed more than the actual plane that was to take us to Nelspruit. But addicts are clever and find ways to fool themselves that their behavior is acceptable. So do blondes.
Brunette fretted as she didn’t have any excess capacity to help out and even Blonde was beginning to get concerned. Then Blonde’s resourceful blondicity kicked in. The first flight we were taking was on a plane from George (kind of like having an airport named “Mike”) to Johannesburg and it did not have the same weight limitations as the one to Nelspruit. At the conclusion of the safari we would be flying back to Johannesburg to spend the night at the airport’s Intercontinental Hotel before heading home. Problem solved!
The staff at the St. James in Knysna were so good to us we kept thinking they had to be mistaken as to who we really were. Blonde decided to test their kindness by asking them to contact the Intercontinental at the Joburg airport and arrange to have a porter with a luggage cart meet B&B’s flight from George. Blonde would then turn over the majority of her belongings for them to check until her return and take only a backpack with enough clothes for three days to the safari camp. Brunette was agog at the sheer absurdity/arrogance/brilliance of the plan and what she saw as the low odds of it all being executed successfully.
The arrangements were made (clearly large tips were heavily implied). We got up at 5:30 a.m. the day of our departure to drive to George, turn in the car and get the first of our flights. We knew that on the small plane we wouldn’t have our luggage in our possesion so each carefully determined what we wanted to keep in our purses and in the inside zippered pockets of our tourists-on-safari pants.
The flight from George to Joburg went smoothly and a natty chap from the Intercontinental was waiting with a large luggage cart as we exited the plane. Blonde and the man managed to heft her excess possessions onto the cart, he provided a claim check and in minutes B&B were on their way to flight #2. Blonde was radiant with success. Brunette was amazed that once again her sister had escaped the consequences of her behavior. All was copasetic.
As we boarded the flight to Nelspruit a fellow passenger had an anxiety attack about the prospect of either flying in such a small plane or flying in it with Blonde. There was a delay as he had to disembark and his luggage be removed. Blonde saw that, humanely, as evidence that there would have been enough capacity now for all of the stuff she had just checked.
We arrived at Nelspruit, were met by a van sent by Kirkman’s Kamp and spent a couple hours bumping along roads and through scenery that varied from beautiful and unexpected (avocado farms?? WTF??) and sad but not entirely unexpected (poor settlement towns).
Upon arrival at Kirkman’s we went to our little cottage to settle in a bit as we were too late for that afternoon’s expedition. As we sorted out our belongings we each removed our carefully concealed treasures from our secret zippered pockets. Blonde removed the recently acquired diamond necklace and elephant- hair earrings. Brunette removed a crumpled tissue, a smashed small bag of some sort of crackers and a stick of chewing gum. We simultaneously exclaimed “blonde and brunette pockets”! Hence the name of this blog.
Aren’t you glad you know?
And BTW Blonde’s luggage was safe and secure waiting for her back at the Intercontinental. The whole caper was pulled off brilliantly and Blonde didn’t learn a thing about being more conscientious in her packing or shopping.
Again.