The Westin was fairly luxurious and offered everything except a coral reef where B&B could snorkel. We solved that issue by renting a car to explore different beaches.
Blonde had previously been to St. John and had fond memories of Honeymoon Beach, despite its name. On our first full day on the island we gathered our snorkel gear, sunscreen, towels and everything except what would be needed – an ER physician – and went to Honeymoon Beach.
Blonde is, to be very generous about this, somewhat accident-prone. Brunette is cautious and vigilantly tries to prevent her sister’s self-inflicted injuries by pointing out potential hazards. As we walked down to the shore and started to put on our flippers Blonde thought she could most successfully navigate the fins by entering the water backwards. Brunette quickly remarked “be careful you don’t land on a sea urchin – they’re everywhere”. Blonde nodded, pulled on her first flipper and fell hard, in only a few inches of water, landing heavily and painfully on a sea urchin.
“Urchin” sounds cute but these nasty little bastards are not only not cute they’re stunningly hideous when you see them stuck in white cellulite. Especially if it’s your white cellulite.
Blonde screamed, spewed expletives, stumbled to the beach and began to pull the urchin and its many spines out of her ass. Brunette wisely wanted nothing to do with the wound itself but helpfully continued to point out the not-yet-removed pieces. Blonde always tries to act as if her latest moronic accident was no biggee, so, in keeping with this fiction, she pulled out stingers and got back in the water to continue with the snorkeling plans.
This wasn’t a scientifically controlled experiment but anecdotal evidence indicates that sea urchin leftovers viciously re-attack about 20 minutes later. This attack took the form of a massive butt and thigh cramp (massive in terms of the cramp as well as the afflicted area). Even Blonde had the sense to get to shore. (If you happen to be a scientist who would like to do this as a controlled experiment Blonde has several trial participants to suggest. Brunette’s husband would definitely be one of them.)
Brunette emerged to find Blonde going into the bushes to have a severe incident relating to the area of the injury. Finally nauseated and chill-wracked Blonde managed the walk back to the Caneel Bay resort where the rental car was parked. Immediately after reaching Caneel Bay’s property Blonde limped into the ladies room and got her ass as close as she could to the mirror over the sink.
Brunette was at the outside restaurant ordering her prescription for all medical, energy or stupidity crises – old fashioned syrupy sugar-laden Coca-Cola.
Blonde was trying to determine if there were remaining urchin shards that could account for the ongoing pain flares. The door to the ladies room opened and in walked a woman who was completely nonplussed to encounter someone scrutinizing her bare red (and white), angry ass in the mirror.
If Blonde were a religious person (which she most certainly isn’t) she would have seen this as divine intervention. The nonplussed stranger was a physician who assessed (get it?) the situation, pulled out a spike or two and said to take it easy for a while.
She didn’t define what “taking it easy” with your ass means and that isn’t something you should ever seek clarity on from a stranger in a bathroom.You also should not ask this of a Republican congressman in a bathroom, especially if he has poisonous spikes protruding from his personal urchin playground. Additionally, it would be showing very poor judgement indeed to use the words “urchin” and “ass” in a sentence with Jerry Sandusky (unless you’re his violent cellmate).
Much better to listen to your sister. Correction: my sister; just realized your last name might be Kardashian.