OK, that was an obtuse question for most people but for Blonde, it’s a real question.
Last Sunday Blonde spent 11 hours in the emergency department of the Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston.
Why? Was she sick at her stomach? Did she have a high temperature? Had she broken her leg? Gone in to see if she actually has Tourette’s? Ruptured her appendix? Was she having yet another love child of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s?
No, she was there because she didn’t know what the hell was going on.
You’re probably thinking, quite reasonably, but she never seems to know what’s going on. But this time we mean literally didn’t know what was going. Had she gone for her workout? Was she having a stroke? Could she wear the clothes she had on to the hospital or should she change? Was the friend who was staying with her for 6 weeks still living there? Is Charlie Sheen just misunderstood? Is Kim Kardashian’s ass augmented? Should Michelle Obama have gotten those bangs? Did Oscar Pistorius know he was killing his girlfriend. (Bad example, of course he did.)
Soon, a friend, alerted by Brunette whom Blonde had been torturing on the phone and via email with the same questions ad nauseam, took a cab over and took Blonde to the ER.
Blonde was diagnosed, for the second time in 4 years, with Transient Global Amnesia. (TGA or, what should be called, WTF.) This is a very rare condition in which a person typically can only remember the past few minutes or less, and cannot retain new information beyond that period of time. Oh, and the person’s a distraught, repetitious mess.
The first time it happened to Blonde she was somewhat pleased at the cause ( although not the effect). Here are some of the causes:
- Sudden immersion in cold or hot water
- Strenuous physical activity
- Vigorous sexual intercourse
- Medical procedures, such as angiography or endoscopy
- Mild head trauma
- Acute emotional distress, as might be provoked by bad news, conflict or overwork
Well, Blonde hadn’t been thrown in cold water, done a strenuous workout, had medical procedures, head trauma or acute emotional distress. That leaves only one reason which actually did apply that time and for which there’s still a very proud man (and woman).
After that occurrence when Blonde returned to work her staff gave her a standing ovation. One declared her “the coolest boss ever” as they had also looked up the causes and guessed which one would apply.
This time none of the usual causes seem to be the culprit although the one that was the culprit last time could be immediately and definitively ruled out. How depressing is that? The good news is that when that isn’t the reason fewer neurology interns come in to snicker at you in the ER. Blonde drew quite a crowd the first time and no interest at all this time.
All it takes to recover is time – 6 to 12 hours in general. There is no treatment, no prevention, no neurological damage, no increased risk of strokes or ongoing battiness. But last time there was a $25,000 ER bill. Honestly. That’s more than enough trauma to induce a relapse.
As the lost time is lost forever and Blonde was alone for at least some portion of that lost time she gets to say what happened during the unaccounted for time period. The stories she’s actively trying out are:
- She had been selflessly rescuing puppies drowning in a frozen lake. (Kittens may be substituted but not children as that wouldn’t be believable.)
- She was having a menage a trois with George Clooney and Daniel Craig and they both got so exhausted ( from her, not from each other) that they had to call in Hugh Jackman for relief. This turn of events was traumatic to Blonde, hence TGA. All three men are now hospitalized due to “exhaustion”.).
- She won the Boston Marathon that day. (Can also be an Olympic, NASCAR or golfing event depending on the audience.)
- A committee of Senate Republicans had required her to have endoscopy of her favorite assortment of lady parts.
- She had banged her head during the wild sex with Clooney, Craig, et al. (Unlikely, she wears a helmet in such situations.)
- She was simply overworked (not possible, maybe over-slackered), distraught (she was going to be seeing her brother-in-law soon) or had bad news (please refer to brother-in-law comment).
Her favorite, although not related to the usual causes, is what she texted to Brunette as she began to emerge from the fog – the Pope’s resignation pushed her over the edge.
Not everything has a medical explanation.