Sometime in early fall of 2012 Blonde entered an online contest, sponsored by Pure Wow, for a free stay at Canyon Ranch. Both Blonde and Brunette have entered hundreds of vacation giveaways over the years never winning any and then within 6 weeks time Blonde won two – a trip to Puerto Rico and the one to Canyon Ranch.
Bl and Br went to Puerto Rico in early December as that was a package for two. But only Blonde could use the one for Canyon Ranch as the gift amount was $1,900 which does not go very far at all. Canyon Ranch has several properties in the U.S. and Blonde chose to go to the one in Lenox which is in the Berkshire “Mountains” (highest point is 2,841 feet or 866 m) of Massachusetts.
Canyon Ranch describes itself as a “health, fitness and wellness resort”. They should add “for people who don’t ever need to ask the price of anything”. When Blonde decided to schedule her stay she went to their website to look for the best deal for her money. The page about rates said “While at most hotels and resorts, the room rate buys you the use of four walls and a bed, a Canyon Ranch health resort stay is truly all-inclusive – with accommodations, all meals, dozens of activities and classes daily, complimentary use of all facilities and a generous allowance for services already included”. Cool! So what does it cost for one of their three night minimum packages?
Egad! The answer on the website for the lowest “spa sampler” rate was $1,880 to stay three nights at unpopular times in winter. Oh well, this wasn’t her money being spent so she booked a package and went.
The drive to Lenox from Boston is about two and a half hours unless you start out with a flat tire and a dead battery as Blonde did.
Then it’s more like 5 hours. And when you get there you would really like a glass of wine but there is no alcohol of any kind served at Canyon Ranch ever. You can bring your own bottle to imbibe in your own room if you want to relive your freshman year of college. So much for research showing the health benefits of moderate wine consumption.
While she was there Blonde would perhaps take some classes on healthy cooking which is one of the few domestic things she will actually do. Let’s see – should it be “Hands-on Cooking Soup Secrets” a 90 minute class that tells you how to make soup for $130 or perhaps “Fastest Meals Imaginable Workshop” where in 110 minutes you learn to make quick nutritional meals for a fee of $185?
What?? These people can’t figure out how to make soup or a quick meal without this kind of help? Don’t they know that Al Gore invented the internets where there’s all kinds of free information just like this?
Blonde began to sense a business opportunity. She could build a fitness resort modeled on Canyon Ranch but it would be called Blonde Farm. One of the classes she would offer would be:
Making Filtered Water – a 60 minute intensive course in using a Brita pitcher to filter your water. Class would include how to take the pitcher out of the box, how to fill and drain it and a demonstration of optimal ways to drink water from a glass. (Brita pitcher not included in price.)$145.
Canyon Ranch does have a variety of “complimentary” (seriously, how is it “complimentary” when most people are paying $800 a night??) talks and sessions. Blonde enjoyed several including eliminating toxins in your environment, women’s health and sexuality and naturopathic medicine’s healing abilities.
But on Blonde Farm we will probably draw a slightly different crowd who will not expect informed, sensitive offerings such as healing circles, advice on naturally sleeping better or craft classes such as “creating a personal mandala to aid in meditation”.
We will offer a variation on these “complimentary” sessions, potentially including:
Destruction circles: Feeling inadequate,, unappreciated, unattractive and/or stressed? In this session Blonde will meet with a small group and one-by-one judge and harshly criticize you in front of the others. All attendees will be encouraged to contribute additional bad things they have observed or imagined in you so you receive the benefit of many cruel perspectives. You will leave with a new appreciation for how much better you felt before you got here!
Better sleeping: Do you have trouble getting to sleep? Do you wake up in the night and can not get back to sleep? Meet Blonde in the kitchen at midnight for an Ambien and glass of wine and find out just how soundly you can sleep!
Voodoo dool creation: Tap into your hatred of that ex or current spouse, your parents, random strangers, your child or your boss by joining our crafts class! You learn to make a voodoo doll and insert the proper pins for the most destructive outcome for the object of your wrath. We can’t guarantee results but a few of our past attendees had their spouses leave the property in ambulances!
Clearly there’s more to work out with this business model but we’re optimistic that we can draw enough gullible, damaged people to make an excellent profit.
If you want to be one of our first guests please subscribe to this blog so you can be alerted to our grand opening!